Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

I drew y’all a little something.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

What.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

a god among men

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.