Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Introverted vegans go meetless
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent