Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1588262483541651456/pu/vid/576x1024/fW8vEFlu7rzajNAz.mp4?tag=12

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Never forget.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.