Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.