Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.