Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.