*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
PMS: Hey, Iām not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: Youāre on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, Iām finally going to become a butterfly
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Even though itās a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. Thereās a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone š
Him: We all are…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
wife: please donāt do anything stupid
me: okā¦ wait,
tonight or ever?
me: sometimes I donāt do dishes for so long Iām completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and canāt remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say āreference forkā?
Bro what is this
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Him: I canāt wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. Itās just the sun doesnāt set until like 9pm and thatās way past my bedtime.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if itās a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if itās a b-
me: himbert
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDNāT LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*