– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.