Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*