“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
💀💀
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.