Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

😂

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.