Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

The “baby” on the left….

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real