Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop