Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

where the womens at?

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.