Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

When news reporters do sports stories

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.