Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM