Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.