“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
What do you text your spouse?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”