Will you ππ meow meow ππ me?
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wifeβs car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
πΆAnd ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched βhow to pretend to be a lawyerβ from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant beβ¦RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
detective: whereβs that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying βYouβll doβ instead of βI do.β
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldnβt turn me on about that?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartenderβs attention.