Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math