Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”