Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.