Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Okay
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.