Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit