William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
bags with threatening auras
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS