Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

This week’s mood.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

I want this so bad

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.