William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Hmm 🧐
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.