William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
This made me chuckle.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.