Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.