Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Frog purse.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73