Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

This seems like peak sibling energy

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*