WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My dream car is a taco truck.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
