willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Same pineapple, same
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list