Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Yup.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low