willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait