@MNateShyamalan

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

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@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

@SayGerv

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

@JediGigi

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

@jazmasta

*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair*
“Is that ok for you sir?”
“Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I’ll take it”

@CelebrityChez

Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?

@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

@WeissBrandon

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.