Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.