Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.