Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart