Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.