Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
never forget
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.