Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

*puts words between two asterisks*

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.