Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You Might Also Like
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???