Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things