Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I’d hang this in my house.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.