Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
boat question
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*