Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember