Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

This seems like peak sibling energy

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

this made my day 😂

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?