Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
No way!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
So sorry
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.