Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Day 2 of my diet
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?