if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If life was a fairytale I’d be the big bad wolf looking for his Red Riding Hood but stuck eating your granny instead
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..