Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision


Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart


Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.


If life was a fairytale I’d be the big bad wolf looking for his Red Riding Hood but stuck eating your granny instead


[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?


when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”


My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.


During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..