Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog