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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.