Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

I put the h in mysterious.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun