Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Matt Goss

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead