Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

LA today:

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.