Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
You Might Also Like
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.