Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno