Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…