Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
i can’t wait that long
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
we’re gonna need another temp
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
shit just got real
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady