Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo