Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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Coffee is ready.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it