Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

What do you text your spouse?

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Me sliding into hell like

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian