Windchimes
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*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
The three genders.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer