Windchimes
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me :
All Day At Night
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.