windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”