windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.