Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
