Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
nyc:
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?