*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby