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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.