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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.