Windows
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Penguins walking in 5x speed
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*