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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Flock of bats
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
dads on road-trips be like
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?