Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous