Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash