Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Two year old is in complete denial that her grandpa is my dad. She gets so mad if I tell her
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Most fashion shows these days…
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down